Who's Pushing Your Red Buttons?
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RED BUTTON THEORY
As we move through life and interact with each other,
we can often be puzzled by our own or someone else’s
behaviour.
After a particularly unpleasant encounter with a man in
the main street of my hometown, I was stunned, hurt,
angry and felt a strong sense of injustice that I had been
on the receiving end of his pent up anger, insecurities,
grief and frustration at life. I hadn’t done anything merely said ‘hello how are you?’ and he had unleashed a
powerful emotional force that literally blew me off my
feet. Not much was actually said, but it didn’t have to
be – he was not at peace with either himself or the world
and I happened to be the one on whom he chose to vent
his negative energy. I left the scene quickly but afterwards
I was troubled for days. I hadn’t deserved the emotional
push, I wanted to ignore it on one hand and yet go give
him a mouthful on the other.
It challenged me, made me think about what he might
be going through and left me feeling like he should have
asked how I was too. We had both shared a catastrophic
event that left us grieving on many levels. I knew that, he
knew that, but somehow he seemed to expect that I also
knew that he didn’t want to be asked ‘how are you?’
The answer must have held too much pain for him. My
concern was genuine. Life had taken its toll on both
of us as life can at times. I had inadvertently pushed his red button and he had retaliated with aggression
and defensiveness. It got me thinking that this is how
arguments often start, escalate and sometimes even
develop into wars.
His reaction to me pressing his red button set off my own
red button. I can’t stomach injustice at any level and I
felt he had been unjust to me. Instead of walking away,
I could have retaliated which in all likelihood would have
caused an upfront argument. Others were there and they
may have joined in and even taken sides and before we
knew it, an all out very destructive confrontation could
have occurred.
Fortunately I had the sense to walk away – this time. I
was able to stand back and see things from his point of
view. I tried to understand him better and not allow
myself to react to his actions in a negative way. I haven’t
always done that well. I have allowed my own red
buttons to cause me to act in hurtful ways. I have missed
out on peace and love because I got angry myself.
I actually bless this man and this encounter because it has
set me on a path of better thinking. It has caused me to
stand back more and empathise with people before I react.
It allows me to know more peace and love.
I hope he was able to do the same.
Merelyn Carter - Be Happy
From Merelyn's Inspire BookWhen the uncomfortable feelings start to rise when someone is pushing your red button, take a step back, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself
: what is the emotion I am feeling? - eg. hurt, anger, fear, frustration, sadness
: what re-action is related to that emotion?- eg. it makes me feel inferior, embarrassed, stupid, invalidated, taken for granted
: take some time to sit with those discoveries - is there an event or events that come to mind from the past - eg. I felt embarrassed when I was made fun of at work, or school, and this new situation reminds me of that feeling and I don't like it
: is this current situation really that bad? - can I step away from the button being pushed
: what would be a better way to respond?
: can I let the feeling resolve into acceptance that I can react a different way?
: how shall I choose to respond to the button being pushed? - hopefully you can step away from the negative reaction and choose a more positive way of dealing with the push.
If you find the healthier way, you can help and heal both yourself and the button pusher as often someone will deliberately push our buttons as a reaction to something that is bothering them. By changing your perspective and acting in a positive rather than a negative reaction, often deeper understanding of yourself and the other person happens and your relationship will grow.
Now that is worth the effort!
I’m Just A Girl
Written by Merelyn Carter ©2010I don’t know why you’re angry
Is it something that I should have done?
I’m reeling from your disposition
Will this be over, before it has begun?
I’m trying to see how I can make it better
I’m trying to be the one to ease your pain
So take the time to understand me
Don’t judge me
I’m just a girl
With something on her mind
Please consider my opinion
There’s more than one side to this tarnished coin
You’ve taken without consideration
I’m hurting too, that you can’t avoid
Reach out to me, meet me in the middle
Help me to see, that you can ease my pain
So take the time to understand me
Talk to me, tell me your feelings
Don’t judge me
I’m just a girl
With something on her mind
We won’t make promises
That life won’t let us keep
The future isn’t what it used to be
Let’s put aside the anger
The hurt that’s even stronger
And heal our hearts
So we can be set free
From - Merelyn's Autobiography - 'The Deepest Part of Me' available to purchase here
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Merelyn’s writing is supported in part by the sale of her
books. Autobiography - ‘The Deepest Part of Me’. ‘Inspire’ – inspirational reflections for
your life’s journey. ‘Stories behind the
Songs’ and her first children’s picture book ‘To The Moon and Back - Grandma’s
Rocket Ship Adventure’. To find out more about her work and to support her
through the purchase of her writings and music, please go to www.carterandcarter.com.au
